70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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