Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
