Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
