Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
