Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
