your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
