He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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