Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
