Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
