He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
