Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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