pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
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she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
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And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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