it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
