Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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