I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
