Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
