Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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