u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Randomize
