of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
