I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
