I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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