I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
