what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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