Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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