I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize