he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
