I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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