we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
