Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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