I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
