11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
