Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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