I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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