I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
