i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
