Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
