singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
