I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
