Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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