Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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