my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
