mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
