p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
