There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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