I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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