The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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