it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
