I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
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