1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
