Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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