I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
