just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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