I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
