walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
