If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
