I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
